17 and Life After High School
Today, I am 17 years old, and I feel exactly the same as I did yesterday, with one exception. Everybody feels exactly the same on their birthday as they did the day before, and physically I do - I don't feel more mature or taller or whatever it is you're supposed to feel on your birthday - in fact, I feel the opposite of more mature. I feel completely unprepared to be 18 in one year.
As silly as it is, I cried in the hallway yesterday because I realized that November 29, 2017 was my last day to be 16. It was my last day to savor the golden age of adolescence, and my last day to identify with the song Jack and Diane. To be honest, I had been feeling a little scared of graduating from 16 and that song for several months. One day in the fall, while driving, I heard the lyrics "holdin' on to 16 as long as we can/change is coming 'round real soon, make us women and men." Even though I usually don't get watery-eyed about 80s music, I burst out into tears in the middle of traffic when I heard those words. The song was right. Change is coming 'round real soon to make me a woman, not a kid anymore. It had finally hit me for real that I was going to grow up, and in not very long.
Today, I feel less scared to be 17 because I did it for a day, but today was still the first birthday in my life that my age actually freaked me out. With the talk of colleges and the future clouding my thoughts this year, being 17 reminds me that I'm approaching the next step in my life. That feels terrifying, but for no rational reason. All that will happen is that I'll go to another school, but one where I'm not living with my parents, and I'll do things that I want to do and be the person that I've always been. There's no reason to be afraid, because I know that there is life after high school. But I'm not scared of the next phase, I'm scared of the transition. I've almost made it through an entire phase of my life, and those years will be gone forever. I have one year before I've completed my childhood. It finally feels terminal.
And that's scary. I know intellectually that I will always be me, and that my age doesn't have to have anything to do with who I am or what I feel. Yet, I can't shake the feeling that these 17 years have gone by too fast. Soon, I'll be 20. And at that point, I'll be about 25% of the way through my life, and 20% if I'm lucky. I know that I'm young, I know that. I've only turned 17 today, and I have my entire adult life ahead of me. I'm just scared of growing up. I'm scared to not have my entire life ahead of me. On the other hand, I'm excited to make my way in this world, and I would never want to be a kid forever, but today I'm feeling overwhelmed.
If there's a silver lining to growing up (aside from all the wonders of adulthood), it's that I've realized how beautiful life is and I have no intention of wasting it. Somewhere in the Odyssey, one of the characters explains that the Gods torment each other and everyone on earth because they can't die, and so they can't have any appreciation for life. Obviously, the details have escaped me, but the gist of the quote always stuck with me: for mortals, life is sweeter because they have something to lose. Although these 17 years have gone by fast, I have loved them deeply and I have been so lucky to be loved and surrounded by wonderful, caring people. Now I feel old enough to look back on my life and smile at how far I've come. Without the specter of growing up on the horizon, I don't think I would feel so passionately about childhood videos of me singing and stomping around, or playing with my grandfather at the lake. They have a sense of nostalgia only because childhood is sweetly impermanent. In a crazy video of my first visit with a mall Santa, I hesitantly approach him, only to have the camera pan around to my face to reveal a confusing expression, a mix of complete hostility, fear, and trying to smile. Speaking through my teeth, I tell Santa what I want for Christmas - Candy Canes, because earlier that day I gave a candy cane to Joshua. Then, I run away into the safety of my mother's arms, while my father laughs. These videos creep back into my life about twice a year when my family feels like getting sentimental. They made my grandmother cry the other day. She told me that she knew that that little girl was gone, even though that little girl is me. She had changed, transitioned from a little girl into a young woman.
That's what's so scary about being 17. I'm afraid of the transition. Even though I'm young, I can say confidently that I'm not afraid of death even though it is very real to me. Instead, I'm afraid of dying. Being dead doesn't scare me because it's just another phase of existing, just without consciousness. But dying, that's scary. Losing everything that is real, that is beautiful, is terrifying. Letting go of the sound of a human voice, or the way dust sparkles in sunlight, or the way your breath looks in cold air is what scares me about dying. Death itself isn't scary to me. It's the transition, the letting go, that scares me. It's turning from a little girl that is afraid of Santa into a young woman who is afraid of the future. It's being 17, the transition year, the year that you let go of being a child, that breaks my heart.
Of course, in the frenzy of my emotions I have overlooked the detail that I can always be a kid. No matter how old I am, I can choose to move through life with the same sense of wonder and beauty that comes with seeing snow for the first time through a child's eyes. I try to live like that all the time, to look around and notice the clouds and the trees, even the other people working furiously around me in a hot room with fluorescent lights. These things are beautiful to me even if it's hard to remember that they are when we are so caught up in our work and our thoughts. I don't remember where it's from, but I heard once that you should always see life as if you're coming out of a tunnel. Today, I am 17, and the light flooding in is especially bright.
As silly as it is, I cried in the hallway yesterday because I realized that November 29, 2017 was my last day to be 16. It was my last day to savor the golden age of adolescence, and my last day to identify with the song Jack and Diane. To be honest, I had been feeling a little scared of graduating from 16 and that song for several months. One day in the fall, while driving, I heard the lyrics "holdin' on to 16 as long as we can/change is coming 'round real soon, make us women and men." Even though I usually don't get watery-eyed about 80s music, I burst out into tears in the middle of traffic when I heard those words. The song was right. Change is coming 'round real soon to make me a woman, not a kid anymore. It had finally hit me for real that I was going to grow up, and in not very long.
Today, I feel less scared to be 17 because I did it for a day, but today was still the first birthday in my life that my age actually freaked me out. With the talk of colleges and the future clouding my thoughts this year, being 17 reminds me that I'm approaching the next step in my life. That feels terrifying, but for no rational reason. All that will happen is that I'll go to another school, but one where I'm not living with my parents, and I'll do things that I want to do and be the person that I've always been. There's no reason to be afraid, because I know that there is life after high school. But I'm not scared of the next phase, I'm scared of the transition. I've almost made it through an entire phase of my life, and those years will be gone forever. I have one year before I've completed my childhood. It finally feels terminal.
And that's scary. I know intellectually that I will always be me, and that my age doesn't have to have anything to do with who I am or what I feel. Yet, I can't shake the feeling that these 17 years have gone by too fast. Soon, I'll be 20. And at that point, I'll be about 25% of the way through my life, and 20% if I'm lucky. I know that I'm young, I know that. I've only turned 17 today, and I have my entire adult life ahead of me. I'm just scared of growing up. I'm scared to not have my entire life ahead of me. On the other hand, I'm excited to make my way in this world, and I would never want to be a kid forever, but today I'm feeling overwhelmed.
If there's a silver lining to growing up (aside from all the wonders of adulthood), it's that I've realized how beautiful life is and I have no intention of wasting it. Somewhere in the Odyssey, one of the characters explains that the Gods torment each other and everyone on earth because they can't die, and so they can't have any appreciation for life. Obviously, the details have escaped me, but the gist of the quote always stuck with me: for mortals, life is sweeter because they have something to lose. Although these 17 years have gone by fast, I have loved them deeply and I have been so lucky to be loved and surrounded by wonderful, caring people. Now I feel old enough to look back on my life and smile at how far I've come. Without the specter of growing up on the horizon, I don't think I would feel so passionately about childhood videos of me singing and stomping around, or playing with my grandfather at the lake. They have a sense of nostalgia only because childhood is sweetly impermanent. In a crazy video of my first visit with a mall Santa, I hesitantly approach him, only to have the camera pan around to my face to reveal a confusing expression, a mix of complete hostility, fear, and trying to smile. Speaking through my teeth, I tell Santa what I want for Christmas - Candy Canes, because earlier that day I gave a candy cane to Joshua. Then, I run away into the safety of my mother's arms, while my father laughs. These videos creep back into my life about twice a year when my family feels like getting sentimental. They made my grandmother cry the other day. She told me that she knew that that little girl was gone, even though that little girl is me. She had changed, transitioned from a little girl into a young woman.
That's what's so scary about being 17. I'm afraid of the transition. Even though I'm young, I can say confidently that I'm not afraid of death even though it is very real to me. Instead, I'm afraid of dying. Being dead doesn't scare me because it's just another phase of existing, just without consciousness. But dying, that's scary. Losing everything that is real, that is beautiful, is terrifying. Letting go of the sound of a human voice, or the way dust sparkles in sunlight, or the way your breath looks in cold air is what scares me about dying. Death itself isn't scary to me. It's the transition, the letting go, that scares me. It's turning from a little girl that is afraid of Santa into a young woman who is afraid of the future. It's being 17, the transition year, the year that you let go of being a child, that breaks my heart.
Of course, in the frenzy of my emotions I have overlooked the detail that I can always be a kid. No matter how old I am, I can choose to move through life with the same sense of wonder and beauty that comes with seeing snow for the first time through a child's eyes. I try to live like that all the time, to look around and notice the clouds and the trees, even the other people working furiously around me in a hot room with fluorescent lights. These things are beautiful to me even if it's hard to remember that they are when we are so caught up in our work and our thoughts. I don't remember where it's from, but I heard once that you should always see life as if you're coming out of a tunnel. Today, I am 17, and the light flooding in is especially bright.
In my experience, being 17 isn't so much scary as just a game of impatiently waiting for the freedoms that come with being 18. I think your fears are super real and relatable, but not things you need to worry about for at least 5 years. Anyway, happy birthday! Enjoy being 17, try not to let your fears get you down for the next 364 days. Great blog post ily
ReplyDeleteWow! This post has stirred the thoughts in my mind that I decided to push away. I can relate in saying that transition from being 15 to 16 is nowhere as great as the transition from 16-17. Just continue living life as it is. Great Post!
ReplyDeleteI can most defiantly see where you're coming from! The way that you describe the transition of growing up vs. growing up itself is very pure to me. To enhance it all, you are very honest in your post and raw with how you share your emotions. Such translates well to your readers; even when reading I could feel my heart strings being tugged a bit! Everyday seems to be passing by so quickly, which can defiantly be overwhelming. Taking time to stop and smell the roses if you will seems nearly impossible as we are constantly preoccupied with preparing for the rest of our lives. No matter, I agree that there is indisputable beauty in maturing and experiencing the richness of life. You have a long, bright tunnel ahead of you, so do your best to relish in it! Excellent post!
ReplyDeleteThis is such a beautiful post. I especially love the last sentence: "Today, I am 17, and the light flooding in is especially bright."
ReplyDeleteI will say that from my perspective many years past 17, being an adult is pretty cool. I think you're right that you can choose to maintain a childlike approach to the world, in the ways that's desirable. I like to think I've grown beyond being childish but remained (at least in many ways) childlike. That said, I also love my adultness, or at least many things about it. I get a real sense of satisfaction from paying my bills and making my home the home I want it to be. I like taking care of myself, not being dependent on others. I get a kick out of actually liking brussels sprouts (when they're prepared well, of course). There are good things about every stage of life, and I think part of the secret of being as happy as you're able is to focus on the things you enjoy about the stage you're in, while feeling free to inhabit the good aspects of those other stages (to the extent you can).
(That said, it's also natural to be terrified of the next stage at times, and/or nostalgic about the stage you're in the process of growing out of.)
I agree with the fear of maturing into an adult and losing childhood (I'm only two months past 17 myself), but I have always thought about it this way: how mature or childish you choose to be and live your life from second to second is not directly connected to the age you calculate from the date you were born. I have always striven to seem older than myself and hide my youth because I have always (since second grade) been one of the younger members of my class and I take pride in my relative maturity. Therefore, I am weirdly excited when I blend into the U of I students on campus or I am mistaken for being two years older than I am. On the flip-side, I still rejoice in letting myself be childish when I want to. Don't define how mature you have to act based on a number. The transition doesn't have to be as clinical and stressful as it sounds, either. Wait, I'm trying to sound all mature and educated, but really, I'm barely 17, so who am I to talk? Anyways, have a good time with 17. It's the same as 16 for me so far.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to lie, 17 was a difficult transition. I was so happy being 16 and I know 18 is going to be even harder. When I think of myself I still consider myself a Sophomore/Junior out of habit, and it's so weird to be the oldest one at school. Transition is hard, but it can bring great things. I'm trying to be excited for where the future and my own maturing will take me, and I think most of us will eventually feel the same.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really feel anything when I turned 17 and I think it's because I knew I had about 2 more years of having the same life. When I turned 18, however, I started thinking a lot more about my life and my future. I definitely don't feel like an adult, but eventually I realized I don't need to right now. I still live with my parents and am still in high school, so I have a lot of time to mature. This was a great post and thanks for sharing your perspective!
ReplyDeleteWhy do you always write something that is deep and meaningful? You already know this because we've talked about it before, but aging hasn't ever affected how I feel about myself or my future. It just feels like any other day, as it should in my opinion. I've personally stopped caring about my birthday for the most part because it is becoming meaningless since I've celebrated every year. Anyway, I feel like I'll start feeling a similar way in less than a year when I turn eighteen because I will officially have the responsibilities of an adult. I think I'm most worried about the responsibility rather than the transition. I struggle with time management and procrastination, as you know, and I'm worried that it might carry over into adulthood. Anyway, good birthday post.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really interesting post! I also feel weird growing older. Until last year, I was always looking forward to a birthday and always wanted to be older. But, for the past couple years I've found myself wishing I could stay young and thinking that I haven't accomplished what I should have for that age.
ReplyDelete