Dspburtte

Everybody collects something. For many, it's postcards or letters that remind them of trips they took or memories they hold dear. For others, it's strange art pieces or novelties, stamps, stuffed animals, bottle caps, records, books, or even old keys. I too am a collector, but not of the tangible. I collect something far more precious than paper - I collect bad names.

Yes. I have a list of terrible names for my children. Over the years, the list has grown to 30 something names, all ridiculous. Most of them are not even names, just strange, nonsensical words that I have come across. Some have memorable backstories and some have escaped me, but they all share one thing. They suck.

The name that kicked it all off was Dspburtte (pronounced "dis-bert"). It is still my favorite name on the list. When I was 10 or so, at a dinner at Biaggi's with my parents and their bandmates, the guitar player and I were goofing off. I'm not even sure how it happened, but I just remember him staring into my eyes and then suddenly blurting out the sound "dsbrt". We both collapsed in laughter and then joked about how to spell it. I settled on the snobbiest possible way - with a silent p, two t's and a silent e at the end. That was the birth of the list. A few days later, I saw some graffiti that said "Gmea" and added that to the list. The rest was history.

Jenry is another one of my favorites because of its backstory. My grandmother is famously bad at remembering names. Around the time when I first began dating my boyfriend John, I visited my grandma's house. During our conversation, she asked me, "so how is Jenry?" I was baffled. "Do you mean John?" She laughed. "Oh yes, John! How is he?" How do you mess up the name John? Additionally, how do you not confuse the name John with another common J name, such as Jerry or Jeff, but instead confuse it with a name that has never before been heard, a combination of Jerry and Henry? Furthermore, how do you do this when you have a son named John and are married to a John? I couldn't resist putting that name on the list. It was perfect in every way.

Other favorites are Brockly, Jaabecca, Xantherine, Plont (this is a real name), Bubbalutga, Derfoive, Maryeaget (an alternative spelling of Margaret), Garlie, Jummy, and last but not least, Wunard. I want to assure those of you who are dialing DCFS that I have no real intention to name my children any of these names. These names are just fun to say, and remind me that all words are really just gibberish which we assign meaning to. At the end of the day, words are allowed to just be fun to say. And after all, it's fun to worship the ridiculous.